Gesellschaftskritik? Maybe a little bit.

The Worm dog – New trend from China arrives in North America

Vancouver, BC – We’ve all seen them: tiny, short legged dogs wearing expensive parkas, silky scarfs, and fancy haircuts. Often enough they peek out of purses or strollers and shoot you an ironic glance that lets you reconsider certain life choices. Why the heck am I not being pushed or carried around by my loved ones? What has once started as an irritating fashion has now become the favorite pet in the greater Vancouver area, according to a survey conducted by BC Stats. While the ordinary Vancourite still shops in local pet stores or visits regional dog breeders, the real trend has now arrived from China: The Worm dog. 

Hannah W. is the co-owner of the first Worm dog shop on Vancouver’s Robson Street. Hannah has a degree in Fashionable Domesticated Animal Design and has been working with breeders from Hong Kong for several years now. “We were just looking for something a little more convenient than an Australian Silky Terrier with its long hair or a Miniature Pinscher that barks more than other dogs its size. People nowadays don’t have time to walk their dogs, let alone to take them to the park. They want a loyal companion with little needs.” It took over 3 years for the research team from Hong Kong to come up with the perfect breed. “When they first contacted me and told me that they were planning to cross a Bootlace worm with a Wiener dog, I thought they were kidding”, says Alison A., BC’s leading expert in dog breeding, “but when I saw first results I was impressed. From an evolutionary point of view city dogs no longer need legs. Owners often prefer to carry the dog in their purses or push them in strollers.”

Hannah W. said she remained skeptical at first, but soon realized the business potential. “Last summer I traveled to Belgium where the Worm dog had found its first passionate owners in the spring of 2016. When I saw how happy dogs and owners moved through the heart of Brussels I was convinced.” She flew straight to Hong Kong to seal the deal. The shop on Robson Street opened only 3 weeks after her visit to Belgium. “People couldn’t be more content”, she enthusiastically tells us. “Most landlords already changed their tenant agreements towards allowing the Worm dog as a pet. They are unable to scratch floors or walls and make little or no barking sounds, since they have become nearly mute in the cross breeding.” 

Strolling through Vancouver these days you will find that you can spot more and more Worm dogs each day. Pet and owner appear to be equally happy and difficulties traditional dog holders have faced in the past seem to diminish in the worm dog’s case. Air China is even considering allowing the worm dog as a carry on. “If you think about it, it is not much different from a neck role,” comments Alison A. on the upcoming regulation change. So should you go and get yourself a Worm dog as soon as possible? For now not everyone might be able to afford to spend $6300 CAD on a pet, but as the trend keeps going and with demand still rising, the worm dog might soon be found in your local pet store.

 

Tamquamish - It’s all like ‘like’

Monterey, CA –  The International Research Foundation for English Language & Education (IRFELE) located in Monterey, California, confirmed the addition of a new sublanguage to the category of English communication linguistics. The new language is called Tamquamish and is primary spoken along North America’s West Coast. Tamquamish is derived from American English with similar vocabulary and grammatical structure. The main distinction between Tamquamish and English is the replacement of every other word with the English conjunction word like, derived from the Low German word lieken ‎(“to be like; resemble”). Other meanings of like come from Old English līcian ‎(“to please; be sufficient”), from Proto-Germanic *līkijaną ‎(“to please”), from Proto-Indo-European *līg-, *leyg- ‎(“image; likeness; similarity”), from Saterland Frisian liekje ‎(“to be similar, resemble”), Dutch lijken ‎(“to seem”), German gleichen ‎(“to resemble”), Swedish lika ‎(“to like; put up with; align with”), Norwegian like ‎(“to like”), and the Icelandic líka ‎(“to like”). All of these forms remain in the Tamquamish language, replacing unimportant words like similar, as, resembling, such as, or reminiscent to.
 
Professor Dr. Como, head director of IRFELE’s modern language division, explained the decision of promoting Tamquamish to a new language with the following statement: “The Oxford Dictionary of the English language contains 171,476 currently used words. Many non-native speaker struggle with this large vocabulary that exist in traditional English. Younger generations have long dismissed over 98% of existing words and the word like is used in many contexts like when referring to a similarity or like when expressing positive feelings towards something. Tamquamish is the outcome of lingo already used across the country. Older and especially British people have a hard time to let go of English as we know it, but if you listen closely Tamquamish is the outcome of a language already spoken by a large part of the population.” 

Dr. Como’s research division not only studies the excessive use of words like like, but also how headsets and headphones have changed the view of talking to one’s self. “If we go back one or two generations”, he explains in a telephone interview, “talking out loud while sitting, standing, or walking alone, one was considered to be crazy. We now see a complete shift in public perception, as people do it all the time. It’s like women wearing pants or people being on their phone during dinner. The first one was once considered scandalous, the latter one impolite and both are completely accepted nowadays. Just like that, society has changed.”
 
It is true, walking through a modern American mall, you will see many people that appear to be talking to themselves whether they are having a conversation through their headphones or are dictating text messages, one can only guess. If you happen to earth drop on the occasional face to face conversation between two people it usually goes like: “So I was like ‘What did you do that for?’ and then she was like ‘I don’t know!’, like she really didn’t know. And I was just like ‘Whatever.’ Like I would ever understand her.” 

It’s like the little 4 letter word has crept into every single sentence of the spoken English language. “And we don’t even have to spell it out any longer”, Dr. Como concludes, “Facebook has come up with a symbol for us to replace the word like completely by using the thumbs-up icon. Texting in Tamquamish will be super efficient.” Whether you like it or not, like has found its way into modern jargon. It’s like the old clichéd phrase – What’s not to like?

Hope for victims suffering from contemporary diseases

Toronto, ON – A brand new Centre for Contemporary Diseases and Illnesses (CCDI) opened yesterday in Kitchener, Ontario, just outside of Toronto. The federal government decided to build this state of the art hospital in response to a series of odd new disease that have popped up all over the country in recent months, mainly affecting teenagers and young adults. 

Simon B. was on a trip to New York City when he suddenly lost all sense of orientation. “I was taking selfies at Time Square just like any other tourist”, he later reported to the media, “and when I looked up from my phone, I didn’t know where I was at all. I started to panic, but when I looked back at the pictures on my phone I regained orientation. Looking at the screen made me feel safe. I managed to find my way back to the hotel by taking pictures every 10 meters or so.” Luckily Simon managed to meet up with his friends who traveled with him and got him back home safely. Simon is not the only reported case of what experts now call Aletheiagnosia (Greek: "aletheia" = "the state of being evident", "agnosia" = "not knowing"). “The illness manifests in many different forms”, explains Prof. Dr. Robert Tran-Spicer, “The symptoms range from loss of orientation in a new environment to reality blindness and general sensory overload.” Dr. Tran-Spicer is the head of the newly built CCDI, where currently 156 patients are treated. “Many young people nowadays are a lot more familiar with the visual world on their phones, tablets, or laptops. When they step out of the virtual reality into the real world their sensory and perceptual systems can’t cope with the sensory input around us leading to a complete sense of helplessness.” 

Critics argue that the problem is rooted in the “smart phone addiction” of the younger generation and should be addressed by stricter parenting and education programs. They feel that the money that went into developing the CCDI could be better spent elsewhere. “There are hundreds of kids that don’t even have access to a phone or a computer and yet we spent government money on building a clinic to cure those that use their social status and abundance carelessly,” says Kaity Miller, a Toronto social worker. CCDI objectors might soon be quieted, as the government is cutting financial support. Now that the clinic is ready for operation, the management is asked to find industry funding. According to CCDI's finance division, the management is already talking to several companies that have an interest in developing products that will help CCDI’s patients. 

One of these companies might be CloudVision, a company offering cloud storage for smart phone pictures. Currently their services include an intuitive picture storing platform with customized folder structures that include selfies, pet pictures, food pictures, vacation photos etc. While the just storage plan is free, easy to share plans start at $5.99 CAD a months. The company advertises using semi-philosophical slogans such as ‘Did it even happen if it’s not captured on camera?’ or ‘Share and link your life, appreciation is just a click away’.
 
“Our platform already offers help to patients with Aletheiagnosia”, says Helena Li, one of CloudVision’s PR and marketing board members. “The close family and friends circle offers an option for relatives and friends to follow the patients’ whereabouts and see the world through their eyes. The resulting support and understanding helps many patients on their way to recovery. But we want to move away from offering virtual goods only.” The company is launching their first hardware product on November 24, 2017. The eyePhone is a newly developed smart phone that matches captured pictures to a large online data base. Once the user is spatially picture matched, the phone will calculate the shortest route to the entered destination, wherever it is. This could improve the quality of life of Aletheiagnosia patients, many of which do no longer feel save to leave the house by themselves. CloudVision has also filed a patent for filtered contact lenses and will flood the market with Mono-, Fade-, Chrome-, Transfer-, Process-, and Instant-lenses as soon as they are ready for production. These lenses are designed to help young people deal with sensory overload by making the world look a lot more like the pictures they post on social media. Additionally, glasses that are able to switch between a square, standard, and panoramic field of view are another product the company hopes to have on the market by 2017.

Still, vision related problems are not the only illnesses that doctors at CCDI have to treat. Several teenagers have been admitted with so called locked thumb syndrome. This disease is just another smart phone casualty. Most patients are reported to have ‘liked’ several thousand pictures on Facebook or Instagram within about 30 minutes, resulting in a complete cramp of one of the nine thumb muscles, the flexor pollicis brevis. “We think the critical number of likes is about 5250 in a time under 30 minutes”, speculates Dr. Tran-Spicer, “but it’s still too early to tell.” Some of the patients were unable to move their thumbs for several weeks and only extensive physiotherapy and locally administered muscle relaxants could break the tension. “The body just can’t keep up”, concludes Dr. Tran-Spicer, “Evolution takes effect over several generations, but modern technology develops too quickly for our bodies to adapt. We will have more and more illnesses related to modern life in the years to come.” So should we be alarmed?  Dr. Tran-Spicer says not yet. “Our bodies will adapt to the new demands dictated by technology eventually and our minds will figure out how to deal with the concept of reality versus virtuality.”

My recent travels

Why don’t you ride into the sunset with me?

Sticky, heavy, humid air wraps itself around spacious mansions, big trucks, wide streets, tall palm trees, and big tourists. It is late afternoon in St. Pete’s Beach, Florida. It is one of those moments when time pauses, the tipping point between unbearable tropical midday heat and flashy neon bright night life. Most people are busy washing off sweat, sun, salt, sand, booze, chlorine, dirt, and sunscreen, while getting ready for a night full of gator bites, boiled peanuts, key lime pies, cocktails, beers and other drinks.

 

Down at the beach most families have left, a few are slowly packing in, too lazy and relaxed to hurry. The water is warm and calm, inviting anyone to dive in. Happily chatting, two white skinned bodies move slowly through the peaceful sea. They are swimming parallel to shore, endless ocean stretching to their left. Suddenly a large dark back arches out of the water right next to them, disturbing the sense of tranquillity and total relaxation. Wasn’t alligator a specialty of this area? As fast as they can paddle with their average short human arms, they swim towards a group of round bellied white skinned humans standing in the more shallow waters. So far the sea monster has not made a move yet. The group of people that has been targeted for the possible alligator attack suddenly gets very excited and cries out “A manatee, a manatee.” Whatever that means, the huge dark body seems to belong to a human-friendly species. Accordingly, the biggest bellied white person excitedly starts petting the friendly sea monster, which the huge animal does not seem to mind. Eventually it remembers that he belongs in the sea and starts to part. Not ready to let his new friend go, the big bellied white man hangs on to the manatee’s back. We just hear him call “I am riding a manatee.” And that was the last anyone ever saw of him. (Almost) completely true story. 

Oh you bitter sweet soft dolce tiny little thing called Gelato

Countless tiny cars and scooters speed their way through the narrow streets of Italy’s north, while people cycle and walk somewhere in between the maze of metal ants. Meanwhile the Lago Maggiore is lazily lying in the middle of busy people and stoic mountains like a sleeping giant. German tourists are moving in from all sides, pointing their pale faces towards the sun on the deck of busy ferry boats. The same groups of German tourists among others have come to realize that there is something to do for everyone: The laid back traveller is drinking Aperol Spritz by the lakeside; the culinary lover is feasting risotto freshly dished out of a gigantic parmesan cheese; the adventurer is climbing local mountains; the spiritual is going on pilgrimages to dazzling sanctuaries; the historic is visiting the Borromean Islands, where castles, paintings, and gardens let one dream of living a life as a painter, a puppeteer, a sculptor, or a royal.

 

And then there is moment of the day, when day time adventures threaten to come to an end and night time ventures still seem out of reach. Satisfied but tired from a day full of nature, art, architecture, and people watching the only reasonable thing to do is to roll into one of the many small villages to visit a Gelateria. Excitedly a queue of people of all ages buzzes with joyful anticipation and difficult decision making. By the time the order is placed, one has to be ready. How many scoops? What flavour? Cone or cup? Prego e grazie. Please and thank you. And then the world misses a beat, while this soft, creamy, full-flavoured art of ice cream melts away. There is no rush, no anger, no stress; there is only the perfect scoop of gelato at the end of a satisfying day. 

Pellworm – Idealistic, stoic and Nordic by nature.

We have all seen or even experienced it: hundreds of people crossing a busy intersection in Tokyo, framed by blinking, fast moving, attention-eating advertisement; tourists and party people taking selfies on Time Square in the midst of a wild mixture of people, taxis, dogs, busses, traffic lights, pedestrian crossings, and huge neon signs; larger, louder, longer traffic jams in various major cities in China, India, or the United States. We have all done it: checked emails or messages during a dinner or drinks with friends; watched television, got stuck in the YouTube loop, or surfed the net until the wee-hours; connected our work computer to two separate monitors, while simultaneously watching a football match on TV, listening to the radio or favorite music program, and chatting on the phone and facebook with various friends at the same time. We are living in a time of sensory overload. Even the beauty of the world around us can often only be enjoyed when converted into pixels and viewed on a 5 inch smart phone screen. Yet, there seem to be places around the world that still manage to hold on to a slower pace of life. The ferry between Nordstrand and Pellworm runs 5-6 times a day. If you miss one you wait for the next. That’s just how life works on an island.

 

At low tide it looks like the ship is actually gliding over wet sand. Slowly it finds its way into open sea. Sailings under clear blue skies or stormy dark grey clouds are equally impressive and soul warming. People are chatty, but calm and general in good spirits. Seals lazily open one eye as the boat floats by. The crossing takes anything between a few minutes and hours depending on everyone’s set of mind. Once landed on the other side, passengers are greeted by grass-covered dikes, weatherproofed houses, cycling families, distant horizons, as well as a lot of sheep. Gradually the average walking speed slows down, breaths are taken more deeply, heads spin with imagination and creativity, new friends are made, experiences are shared, there is time to laugh and cry, to be cheerful or pensive, to discover or to relive, while the importance of existing phones, computers, messengers, and social media seems to be forgotten. 

The one with the dumpling drama

Suffering from lack of food in Montreal is like having a shortage of tourists at the Niagara Falls: inexplicable! Patisseries, brasseries, smokeries, bakeries, confectioneries, breweries, eateries, and poutineries stand shoulder by shoulder guarding their city. In the unlikely event that one managed to pass all these without entering the respective 'etablissement' first, and a food coma second, there is always China town. Let’s assume one were to tour the city all day. One walked around on foot and cycled on city-bikes, visited parks, streets, and churches and miraculously forgot to feast for most of the day. One were also to meet a friend unlucky enough to spend all day at work. One was then to go to a Chinese dumpling place. In a clear state of mind one would realize that ordering 2 wonton soups and 3 trays of dumplings with 15 piece each might be a little excessive, but one is near starvation so screw any reason. The dumplings arrive, the protagonists dig in. The soups arrives, the eaters sigh. The soups are gone, the dumplings slowly diminish, the chopsticks move slower and slower. One has to make it past 30 to justify ordering 3 trays. Then one can relax and order a take-away box. This story would be rather boring if it ended here. But evenings in Montreal rarely end just after dinner. Come night time the city buzzes with high spirits, festivals, and events.

 

So one decides to drag the dumpling filled bellies across town to a show that is part of the Fringe Festival. The show is called Nerd Fucker. The title provocative, the expectations range from curious to probably interesting. One needs to half sprint to make it on time, while wontons and dumplings are having a party of their own in digestive parts of the body. One arrives out of breath, sweating like a pig, and slightly nauseated from rushing, but just in time to see the beginning of Nerd Fucker. The theatre has mistaken its identity to be a Finish sauna without the herbal smell of water being poured over hot rocks. The show starts as a middle-aged, half naked, rather bigger sized woman walks on stage with only a towel wrapped around her waist. A large chess board is drawn on her bare back, in front her boobs dangle unmissable. As part of the show the audience has supposedly come an hour early for a chess match to be played on her back. She leaves and re-enters with now wearing a bathrobe that is open in the back. The chessboard needs to dry. The hour to come she is giving a monologue wrapped into the fake mistake of the audience being there too early. All the while one is sitting there uncomfortably hot, painfully full, and unpleasantly smelling of take-away dumplings. The theatre starts to blur away and the one-woman show metamorphoses into a large talking dumpling. Oh Montreal, food is your culture and yet culture is your food.